Well I’ve been totally fighting a battle inside of whether or not I was going to actually write and be vulnerable, but here I am, and I’m writing, and I’m going to be vulnerable.
Flying down to California was something I knew God wanted me to do, but if I’m being honest, I didn’t really spend time praying for the Lord to direct my steps down here before I came. After a Saturday wedding, five day trip to Georgia and a day at home to unpack and repack for this adventure, life sort of distracted me and I just forgot. I was going through the motions of getting here and my whole thought process was, “You can think about it once you’re there. Just get there.”
And it wasn’t until I was sitting in my teeny window seat on a 30 passenger airplane flying along the California coastline that it hit me like a freight train. You’re going somewhere you’ve never been, to a family you hardly know, a family you’ve never talked to on the phone, to personalities you don’t know, to a toddler and an infant who don’t know me, to a place completely foreign to me. And then I almost started getting sick, partly from the motion of a plane just a smidge bigger than my car, and partly from swallowing the idea of landing in a city and getting picked up by people I didn’t even hardly know but from a quick hello at past photography conferences.
It took a good few days of me being here and settling in to a new environment for me to realize that I was totally uncomfortable. Not with the family, don’t get me wrong, they’ve blessed me beyond words. But I was totally wrestling with God. All throughout my life, when I’ve encountered something that isn’t comfortable to me or been in a situation that is hard, I do everything I can to lace up my shoes and run away. To get to a place I’m comfortable with, where I’m comfortable being me, be it a home, people, etc. And yesterday morning while I was in the shower (being vulnerable here) I started crying and totally lifted my palms to the Lord.
I’ve learned so much this week. I came down “thinking” (the little bit I had about it) that I would come away with an expanded mind towards photography.
AAAAAANND now I’m seeing that I was absolutely completely wrong. Granted, I have learned so much about that, but the whole point is that God wanted to get to my heart this week. In any way possible. And I was pushing Him away by the minute, hour, day, night. I was running away to the point where I actually booked a train ticket two nights ago because I just couldn’t handle being somewhere that wasn’t home, being somewhere that wasn’t my family, being somewhere that God could actually USE me! I just wanted something different from where I was.
Since I flew into SLO last Tuesday, I was questioning at every cause why God had me here. What His purpose was, etc. I didn’t have clarity and I was so caught up in asking myself all these questions and trying to find the “why” that the CLEAR idea was right in front of me the whole time. That God totally led me here to show me what it means to rest. To give up control, give up plans, give up worries, and lay them at the foot of the cross. To lay down my anxiety, lay down my uncomfortable feelings, and just let the blood of Jesus wash over me and cleanse me. Wash me with a peace and a hope. And God is just uncovering for me (by grace completely!) more and more of what His plan is for me here. For me to BE rather than do, for me to BE used by God RIGHT where I am, not a place where I’m at my most comfortable, but in a place where God deems me most effective for the Kingdom, wherever that might be.
I’m totally still learning this whole, walk by faith not by sight thing. Because my human nature wants to run from every possible thing that looks frightening or worrisome, from walking a path narrow and unknown. My flesh wants to reside where it’s positively pleasurable, happy, comfortable, and easy. But that’s not the life God calls us to live. God doesn’t call us to settle right where we are and just be comfortable. He calls us out upon the water, where feet may fail.
I’ve been loving Francis Chan’s books. I mean, I’ve read Crazy Love twice now and every time I totally come away with something so humbling. I caught this particular quote from reading it the second time and it’s been replaying in my mind all week (I just wasn’t wanting to accept it)–
“But God doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through.”
Admit it, you think you’re something. But the absolute MINUTE you surrender your thought of you being “something” to becoming absolutely nothing, God moves our hearts. So powerfully you can FEEL it. Being a true servant requires sacrifice, making yourself nothing, being obedient to God no matter what. Because if you’re just walking through life, not doing anything that requires you to WALK and LIVE by faith, you’re living totally lukewarm and totally in the safe zone.
Another one of Francis Chan’s quotes from his book, “Forgotten God,”–
“Why would we need to experience the Comforter if our lives were already comfortable?”
Think on it <3
I apologize for the babbling and the sentences that might not make sense, but hey, vulnerability is good right?:)
the girl learning to accept the uncomfortable